&& your debt.

I picked out five pairs of jeans, two shirts, and a watch.
because i owe it to myself.
because there is only so much to give,
only so many ways to live,
for someone else.

you.

 I gave you all of me,
my thoughts my dreams,
my life my heart.
my golden gates,
my ends my starts.
my pain my love,
my desires my fate,
unraveling myself,

huge mistake.

can you give her back?
all of her?
give me back these fractured years?
these burned-through love letters?
dried out tears?

because i gave it all,
there is nothing left,
just these scarlet letters,
on my chest.

so ill rebuild,
this heart of mine,
take the old me,
her soul's divine.

keep her,
teach her,
love her,
leave her,

but most of all leave me.

because stupid boy,

you owe it to myself.

&& changes.

March 2005:
My heart beats a steady rhythm of a low volume.
I reach for some kind of recognition of existence, some life.
I sit around.
Young.
Innocent.

March 2008:
My heart beats slowly to catch pace with my life.
My hands stay by my side.
I sleep a lot.
Tired.
Withdrawn.

March 2009:
My heart beats fast.
My hands reach for the steering wheel.
Boom.
Fast.
Hello life.

September 2009:
He determines the beat of my heart.
I reach for his hand.
Boy meets girl.
Girl meets world.


December 2009:
No heart.
I reach for the cabinet.
Grab three small tablets of redemption.
Jack Daniels.
Inhale.
Swallow.

January 2010:
No Soul.
I reach for the phone. Too late.
I open my mouth.
No Sound.
Run.
Can't.
Scream.
Can't.

February 2010:
nothing.
reach for death, life's too far gone.


rewind. can't.
.tneconni
.gnuoy
.dnuora tis I
.efil emos, ecnetsixe fo noitingocer fo dnik emos rof hcaer I
.emulov wol a fo mhtyhr ydaets a staeb traeh ym

fast forward.

March 2013:
nothing.

March 2014:
nothing.

damn life changes.

hello again.

I just wish that starting over was as easy as the movies make it. But it is not. And sometimes people have to take the crap they make, and turn them into abstract works of art. You never really know what you're made of, until  you have make up your mind on who you want to be. So, hello old friend. We meet again. I lost you once, and loved you twice, but a blank canvas would sure be nice. So I'll cross my heart, and dot my i's. Shake your hand and smile wide. I'll greet you well, and say my name, and now we shall replay this game. My heart is eager, and this feels so right. I hope this time, we get it right.    

-Courtesy of Heike Kerscher. a wonderful artist. :)