:DDD

i think i'm going to make another blog based on my new california life. idk what it'll be called. feel free to comment with suggestions. of course it'll have pictures of all the cool stores and places i go in cali. & of course the dedicated readers on this blog will be given the new blog site. but of course i won't give up on this one! each week post on inspiration theories and weird thoughts of mine will still go up. i love you alll & have a wonderfulllll week! <3

Home.

why do we run.
why do we hide.
why did i leave homeeee?!

from the ONLY place that i ever called home.
from YOU.
after all the intruders in our beautiful abode.
the masked women who stole our furniture with the bargain cigarettes and fake designer bags.
she burned my home like arson and didn't even care.


i am stuck in a foreign city, with a new house.
a boy who doesn't like cherry chap stick or old black and white movies.
and he has cheap furniture and ugly wall paintings
and he is not a home like you. just a house baby.

why do i feel so home sick?

have you ever?

felt like god just stopped listening. i do. & baby life goes on.

ahhh the fucking love of my life!

Me

hi!

7:32amSmttyWerben

hey bianca

7:32amMe

ahh i dont wanna bother you but youre really fucking cute & eh thats all. just thought you should know.

7:33amSmttyWerben

thanks very much that was sweet

7:34amMe

do you ever sleep?

7:34amSmttyWerben

nope rawr

why are you up so early?

7:34amMe

haha never went to sleep.

7:35amSmttyWerben

come tiny chat with us then

7:36amMe

im not on my laptop. my sister has it. i'm gonna go rap though. dont laugh. soo yeah ttyl.

7:41amSmttyWerben

k :o)

your cool.

7:42amMe

thank ya sir youre cooler.

7:43amSmttyWerben

we gotta meet

7:44amMe

yeah im moving back to california soon but one day!

7:47amSmttyWerben

:o(

7:50amMe

haha it'll be alright. i feel like one day we're gonna meet up later in life and get married. haha dont think thts weird. but till then!

7:50amSmttyWerben

where yu stay now in cali

7:51amMe

im going to el cerrito. but for the summer all over the bay area.

7:52amSmttyWerben

ugh :o(

7:54amMe

haha it'll be alright. well the sun comes up and i dont wanna melt so ill hit ya ltr! : D

SmttyWerben

okay sweetie

 

chip & dale. twitter talk! :)

Me

ass face! arent u proud?

5:12amJosh

huh?

5:12amMe

i got a twitter!

5:13amJosh

OH you dont use it.

5:13amMe

yes i do.

i just didnt use the computer all day.

5:14amJosh

not like you should

you can use a phone. I do that alot

5:14amMe

i'm a twit virgin. i dont know how to use it.

5:15amJosh

smh go to your phone click on the internet type in twitter and there it is. Unless your phone has a twitter app

5:16amMe

it doesnt. metro. :(

but i will!

i'll make my ass face proud, promise!

5:17amJosh

ight but dont be making nuthing boring either I hate that shit

5:17amMe

promise! wat is boring

?

5:18amJosh

Let me find you a link that will tell you what to and what not to do. hold up

5:19amMe

k.

5:19amJosh

http://thekillertruth.com/home/this-is-how-you-get-followers-on-twitter-and-make-money-on-the-net.html

thats it now go read I wish I had this when I was new

5:27amJosh is offline.

5:27amMe

alright. /: im gonna be an awesome tweeter! u just watch.

Message not sent because contact is currently offline.

my goodbyes. :* )

to Ashley: i know it looks bad now. but when i look back, you're going to regret everything we both said. whether you like him or not, i don't mind anymore. i let emotions get the best of me. and last time i cut you off with no goodbye. but goodbye formally and when i move and forget you ever existed i hope you have everything you want and need. and you and him are wrong. i was hurt. but now i am done and will in all maturity not miss you. time to grow up. i just hate really that karma comes back ten fold. goodbye.
-Bianca. 

to Emelia: i wish i could forget i everybody and everything tht made me question myself. but i cant. i thought changing my hair and friends would make things okay. but thts not it. we are all done. and i was too scared to say goodbye. to scared to face you and erica and him and ashley and de'aira . but i am not anymore. and my heart will have love for you always and her too. and as i write this with all the love and pain i have to give. goodbye. thank you for all tht you have taught me about friendship and love and i know youre always gonna be a great person. i love you emelia esi minta. please don't ever forget me. :' )
[4:21:49 AM] Bianca Brooks.: and after i finish crying and reminiscing on all the ways you've helped me grow and all the afternoon bus rides and adventures and promises and tears and raps and pictures and places and boys and lessons and clothes and loss and being there for eachother. i promise that i won't ever forget you either. 

to Tyrell: hmm. how do i start. lol i dyed my hair! haha and yeah i cut people off, which was dumb. i should've said goodbye. because of almost a year & everything about us was great. you were part of my heart, hell, you were my heart. and now its time to take it back. funny how life changes, huh? funny how you love someone and then don't the next day. i guess this is right for both of us. i don't know if i'll be here when you get back & i'm packing, or if my house will just be memories i had. i only owe it to you to reminisce on the good and tell you i'm ready to say goodbye. i've been thinking and the past is the place i have to leave what we had. no hard feelings left, because i wanted to let you know i don't love you anymore. and i am so glad. i hope the next girl you love you love everything about her. it was a "good run". forever good luck in love and life. never forget me. because i don't wanna forget you, tyrell. ♥
-Bianca Brooks. :) 

to De'Aira: i thought i could cut you all off and tht meant you werent part of my life anymore. but you are, part of my heart and my being. and i was so scared of out loud saying goodbye to that. but now i know as the tears stream down my face writing this that i'm ready. no one can ever show me the love and sincerity you have and compassion and realness in a person that is so rare. i will miss your caring and responsible self. ill miss the prom nights and sleepovers and your freestyles and all the love that you've brought me in the last two years i have known you. i really hope you do alvin ailey and explore the world with all that is special and wonderful about you. thank you for your friendship and for letting me inside your heart and world. never forget me de'aira. because i promise i'll never forget you. goodbye.
-Bianca Brooks.

crush. hes just sooo cute. :D

Josh

nd yea he is a lucky bitch

4:59amMe

oh cool. who pays for all ur shit?

5:00amMe

& should i get a lip piercing?

5:04amJosh

yea, a noise ring would be cool too

nose*

5:04amMe

everyone and their grandmas daughter has a nose ring.

5:06amMe

or should i dye my hair?

5:11amMe

i wanna be just like him. lol.

http://blozulfog.files.wordpress.com/2008/05/piercings4.jpg

5:12amJosh

lol woah

5:14amMe

or him: http://www.funnypictures.net.au/images/piercings-knives-through-nose1.jpg

5:15amMe

either one will be just fine.

5:15amJosh

lol mann did rashid even say thanks for the foams?

i wonder were shola got his from

5:16amMe

haha ur still thinking about those? u do got problems. and he doesnt know i have them. there still in a box in the corner of my room.

5:18amMe

& whos shola?

5:20amJosh

yoooo its a sign from god i will trade u 4 pairs of shoes for those!!!

5:21amMe

wat the fuck! ur crazy. god doesnt send those signs, and no i worked too hard to get them!

5:23amMe

& what shoes do u got tht i could give him, tht cost tht much in tht condition..

5:24amJosh

http://www.snewty.com/snewty/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/vans.jpg

5:25amMe

oh thts low, u know those shoes r my weakness.

it doesnt get faker than tht josh. smh.

5:25amJosh

lol

ill through in some more stuff

5:26amMe

but no im gonna get these shoes to rashid asap before i do something stupid.

5:27amJosh

aawwwwwwwwwwweeee damn

5:27amMe

yeah hows this sound

"i bought u a real nice pair of copper foamposites but i gave them to tht josh guy in exchange for some vans tht i really wanted.." happy fucking birthday.

5:29amJosh

I'll give u something to give him

5:29amMe

something like what?

5:30amJosh

I'll give u like three pairs of alifes, 3 flannles

Etc

5:32amMe

damn. i gotta think this over. these shoes must be nicer than i thought. i just told my dad go into la's nicest sneaker store and buy the newest ones u see under $200. didnt kno they were tht great.

5:32amJosh

I'll equal out the deal I won't do rashid like that

There amazing

5:32amMe

haha dude theyre just shoes.

5:33amJosh

Not just any shoe

5:33amMe

i thought u were gonna get em in september!

5:35amJosh

I'm gettin the royal blues in September

5:35amMe

i kno so why do u need both?

5:36amMe

buy his.

http://hphotos-snc3.fbcdn.net/hs311.snc3/28191_1454777859878_1546286854_1107981_1967761_n.jpg

http://hphotos-snc3.fbcdn.net/hs311.snc3/28191_1454777859878_1546286854_1107981_1967761_n.jpg

he goes to shs. and hes a cool person.

5:37amJosh

does he wear a 9?

5:38amMe

idk. rashid does.

5:38amJosh

Aghhhhhhh

5:41amMe

lol josh i super fucked rashid over one time.

ya see hes a soccer player right,

& one time my moms friend comes to the house.

his name was steven gerarde.

i found he was a soccer player

next day i ask him about it, & hes like really famous and rashids favorite player.

rashid was pissed.

5:44amJosh

Lol not really into soccer , but do u wanna bet on those foamposites that the lakers win the chip?

5:45amMe

im frm cali. wtf? i already know they are. and no. do i look stupid?

5:47amJosh

Lol damnn

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000081068605#!/profile.php?id=100000484392655&ref=ts

thats sholla

5:48amMe

oh him. lame.

5:49amJosh

lol whats rong with him?

5:49amMe

he looks to much like someone i know.

5:50amJosh

oh.

5:50amMe

yeah, anyway about the piercing. what do u think? we'll talk about the foams later.

5:51amJosh

umm leots peiircing looked pretty cool

5:52amMe

well there goes the piercing idea. u threw it right out the window. thanks alot.

5:53amJosh

lol how?

5:53amMe

u said "leot has."

5:54amJosh

Lol my b

what color where u considering dying ur hair?

5:58amMe

maybe like honey blonde or some shit. idk. im lost.

5:59amJosh

like highlight or ur hole head??

6:00amMe

idk! ahhhh help!

6:16amMe

imma give my pillow head before the sun comes out and i melt. but our foam agreement is not over! if all else fails ill just buy another pair. : D nite josh.

6:18amJosh is offline.

chip & dale. night--day one. 6.10.10-6.11.10

Me

spit somethin for me big daddy.

6:31amJosh

yo yo

I was walking down the hall

scatching my ball

and my balls got stuck in the elevator

my girl screamed

my balls turn green

and thats the end of the story

damn im a beast

6:32amMe

...fail.

6:33amJosh

Ight how bout you try bianca minaj

6:34amMe

ok.. i was lookin at his dick,

it was really small,

and on top of tht he had green balls,

6:34amJosh

i hope this aint bout me

6:34amMe

i was like hold up wait whats going wrong,

he said elevator broke, and he didnt turn me on

so i took the stairs and ignored him,

somethin like a boss,

he said i forgot to tell u my name is josh.

and i have a nice personality,

damn i am a beast.

6:36amJosh

All of that was true

my pee pee never grew

6:37amMe

damn tht must suck,

hoes dont wanna fuck.

6:38amJosh

so I went around town asking people to let me fuck you

if you ruin

my rhymes

one more

time

why

im

rapping

there

gone be problems

understand youngster

6:39amMe

got it papi.

6:39amJosh

iol I dont rap Im like drake

6:40amMe

im like josh dale.

6:41amJosh

word so a mutherfuckin problem that cant be solved

6:42amMe

no im a lame ol prick with a fucked up attitude.

6:43amJosh

word its good that I didnt have to tell u that youre a pieon

6:43amMe

bitch, dont jump stupid.

6:45amJosh

I m sorry I dont wanna get beat up by a gangster

u ten feet tall im only 3 feet

6:46amMe

ok so ur basically a jack ass.

6:47amJosh

no im the asshole its what I do best in life

6:47amMe

so youre full of shit?

6:48amJosh

STOP CALLING ME OUT how did you get so mean? does crystal bully you or sum

6:49amMe

haha.. no we're not cool like tht anymore. but if u really want me to stop i will.

6:50amJosh

shidd I dont care its the interwebs

6:50amMe

oh shh.

6:51amJosh

never im a fucking internet ganster dont you understand IM A FUCKING PIRATE

6:54amMe

oh dang i just shit my pants getting scared frm tht.

6:55amJosh

Im finally get the respect I deserve in this town

6:56amMe

.

6:57amJosh

yea PERIOD while in class you think you funny huh

6:58amMe

yup. : P

6:59amJosh

then go join def comedy jam

7:00amMe

u go join punk.

7:01amJosh

i sent them a tape but they said im not funny enough

7:01amMe

damn u got shut down.

: (

7:02amJosh

dreams never come true Ill never be a comedian nor will i ever have a bigger pee pee fuckmylife

7:03amMe

i will never be a comedian or have a big pee pee either, so im sorry but we're n the same boat here pal.

7:05amJosh

word well both be small winky partners wanna play star war with them

7:05amMe

yes, i would like tht.

7:06amJosh

FRIGGIN SWEET I knew all my days of trying would finally pay off

7:09amMe

word. the suns coming up, i dont wanna melt sooo. ima hit u the fuck up later.

tell me how the cup goes.

7:09amJosh

word im bout to go eat sum cereal and water

7:10amMe

keep it fresh, keep it clean, keep it breezy.

7:10amJosh

go to sleep you bat

7:10amMe

peace.

7:10amJosh

bye

freestyle.

Me

u got a skype davin?

4:30amDavin

yea but i'm havin some malfunctions rite now

im bout to txt you cuz im bout to get in the bed

4:31amMe

ok well wen u get on skype we're gonna have a freestyle battle.

4:31amDavin

who told you i can freeestyle

4:32amMe

errbody in the trap.

4:32amDavin

wheres the trap

4:33amMe

i have noooo idea.

4:34amDavin

i'll battle u later but we gotta make a wager

4:34amMe

aight.

4:34amDavin

if i win what i get

4:36amMe

oh dont worry you wont win.

4:37amDavin

what you cant even rhyme

4:39amMe

i can rhyme on a dime while i chime to the lime.

boaw.

i been on this rap shit fo 10 years.

4:40amDavin

you sayin boaw shows you cant rap

4:41amMe

haha youre jealous of my mad skills dawg?

4:45amDavin

i got mo problems than the city of gotham, all i need is a batman and im robin

4:46amMe

oh damn.

i got this game on lock the only toys i play with is 9's and glocks.

: )

4:49amDavin

i ball like lamar odom, yo girlfriend love me she be grabbin on my scrotum

4:52amMe

and i don't just fuck for fun, leave the hundred on the nightstand i'll have ya screamin bbb at the top of ya lungs.

4:58amDavin

83 ol skool parked in the garage, its a 2 seater so i cant pull a minaj, im in love wid dis girl so im in her raw, soon as she get in the car i jus jump on hard

4:59amMe

u said no nicki minaj, but i park my car in your girls garage, dont believe me u can ask her. davins gettin heated cuz im his girls favorite rapper.

5:02amDavin

jus wait til i get my skype workin

5:02amMe

haha aint i fyer than u thought?

5:03amDavin

aint none of dat shit you said was you

5:03amMe

I SWEAR TO GOD IT WAS!!

5:04amDavin

u swear on everything

5:04amMe

yes.

5:04amDavin

well shit you pretty gud but u aint fuckin wid me

5:05amMe

haha ill fuck ya.

5:05amDavin

shidd when

5:05amMe

oops i did mean to type tht!

5:05amDavin

yea you did

5:05amMe

nope.

5:05amDavin

freak come out at night

5:05amMe

ok conversation over go to bed now lil boy.

5:06amDavin

bxtch text me

5:06amMe

ok slut.

5:07amDavin

thanx. i'll pee in yo mouth

5:07amMe

ill punch you in the fuckin grill.

Cali for nia.

I can now say without an ounce of fear, just me and the soul I've set on fire remaining here. that even though the world is dark and cold, you all have been my lovers to hold. you have told me whats real and faux, and now i can tell i have to let you go. and like a motherless child standing all alone, I'm packing my bags to find my home.

i'm back.

I swear out of all the relationships I've ever had, the worst break up had to be with my  best friend Alex. I can't go back now though. Everything's changing, and nothing ever feels the same. My heart is not in the places it should be, so I'm leaving. I know summer's around the corner, but right now my hearts across the country.

I know I should stay here
& Face the problems that lie ahead,
But running is so tempting,
Putting on my black hoodie,
For a sneak-out through the back door,
Leaving you and all that ever made me smile
In your rightful place.



I know I should stay here
& Face the problems that lie ahead,
But running is so tempting,
To catch the bus,
To who knows where,
& Drink 'till your face is a blur within the crowd,
To leave you in my distant memories file cabinet.
In your rightful place.



But I know I should stay here
& Face the problems that lie ahead,
But dieing is so tempting,
Hiding is so tempting,
Forgetting is so tempting,
Forgetting is so tempting,
Forgetting is so tempting,
Forgetting is so tempting,

Forgotten.

ah, spring.

when you think about it all &all, life was always worth living. the people that you love are worth loving, the day i became happy was the day i decided to be. every time you smile, laugh, and love makes the world a little happier. dreams are worth dreaming.

I held his hand.
I fell in love.
He kept me up.
And held me through.

My Beautiful Dream.

I owe this life of mine.
All the times I've ever smiled.
Summer nights, walks in the park.
To you my love,

My Beautiful Dream.

Sometimes I'm glad,
I fell asleep,
Only for life to be awakened by sweet rains of you.
My Love,

My Beautiful Dream.

&& your debt.

I picked out five pairs of jeans, two shirts, and a watch.
because i owe it to myself.
because there is only so much to give,
only so many ways to live,
for someone else.

you.

 I gave you all of me,
my thoughts my dreams,
my life my heart.
my golden gates,
my ends my starts.
my pain my love,
my desires my fate,
unraveling myself,

huge mistake.

can you give her back?
all of her?
give me back these fractured years?
these burned-through love letters?
dried out tears?

because i gave it all,
there is nothing left,
just these scarlet letters,
on my chest.

so ill rebuild,
this heart of mine,
take the old me,
her soul's divine.

keep her,
teach her,
love her,
leave her,

but most of all leave me.

because stupid boy,

you owe it to myself.

&& changes.

March 2005:
My heart beats a steady rhythm of a low volume.
I reach for some kind of recognition of existence, some life.
I sit around.
Young.
Innocent.

March 2008:
My heart beats slowly to catch pace with my life.
My hands stay by my side.
I sleep a lot.
Tired.
Withdrawn.

March 2009:
My heart beats fast.
My hands reach for the steering wheel.
Boom.
Fast.
Hello life.

September 2009:
He determines the beat of my heart.
I reach for his hand.
Boy meets girl.
Girl meets world.


December 2009:
No heart.
I reach for the cabinet.
Grab three small tablets of redemption.
Jack Daniels.
Inhale.
Swallow.

January 2010:
No Soul.
I reach for the phone. Too late.
I open my mouth.
No Sound.
Run.
Can't.
Scream.
Can't.

February 2010:
nothing.
reach for death, life's too far gone.


rewind. can't.
.tneconni
.gnuoy
.dnuora tis I
.efil emos, ecnetsixe fo noitingocer fo dnik emos rof hcaer I
.emulov wol a fo mhtyhr ydaets a staeb traeh ym

fast forward.

March 2013:
nothing.

March 2014:
nothing.

damn life changes.

hello again.

I just wish that starting over was as easy as the movies make it. But it is not. And sometimes people have to take the crap they make, and turn them into abstract works of art. You never really know what you're made of, until  you have make up your mind on who you want to be. So, hello old friend. We meet again. I lost you once, and loved you twice, but a blank canvas would sure be nice. So I'll cross my heart, and dot my i's. Shake your hand and smile wide. I'll greet you well, and say my name, and now we shall replay this game. My heart is eager, and this feels so right. I hope this time, we get it right.    

-Courtesy of Heike Kerscher. a wonderful artist. :)