--------------->onward.

I miss the days where I knew how to have fun, and other times I miss the days where I was a misfit loner, so I didn't worry about heartache and criticism while under constant scrutiny about who I am or what I say.

-breaking points.
life will be as good as you want it to be
as unlucky as people make it
& as fun as the people you are surrounded with.

you are guaranteed two things in this lifetime:
choices and choices.
that's it.

who you choose to be today,
maybe completely different from who you were yesterday,
or who you want to be tomorrow.

there will be breaking points,
there will be shaking points,
& there will be making points.

but if the day I step off the this Earth is or is not soon
I have used two things:
choices and choices.

& if I have made the right ones I will have learned this:

there will be breaking points,
there will be shaking points,
& there will be making points.

but the only thing you can really do,
is keep moving forward.

if you believe...

in the freedom of your dreams, the limits of your destiny don't exist.
-one love. 

 

Publish Post

toast.

            I've heard it always gets worse before it gets better. If we really think about it, from where we stand here in this life, world, and mindset from now, we have no where to go but up. So today I'm making a toast to who we want to be, who we left behind, and better days to come. Because I have this irrevocable feeling, its up from here. " )  
-one love.  

 

i've seen some things...

            Sometimes I can't help but be mad at the circumstances of life. But that's life, and at times my mother and I wept about life, and love, and sometimes I wish she knew I'd seen some things...some things she'd been through, sometimes I wish she knew I'd seen some things...I was so disappointed in her for, sometimes I wish she knew...I will love her through all the sorrow and heartache we've ever faced. Sometimes I wish she'd see some things...                  


"As we knelt on the kitchen floor I said 'Mommy Imma love you 'till you 'ont hurt no more.' " Kanye West sang this in a song-dedication to his mom. I thought parents were supposed to never break down in front of their children. I thought wrong:

There are some truths in every puddle of tears,

Some strength in every nightmare and fear,

Some growth in every sleepless night,

Some grounding here in every flight.

I didn't wanna cry,

Because I knew,

Every time I cried,

She died a little more inside,

but every time I lied,

I died internally and outside.

So when I finally had to decide,

Save her heart or slay my own,

& We cried long nights till tears were gone,

These tears were the greatest strength I'd ever known,

The greatest stamina she'd ever shown,

For breaking down doesn't conform to weak,

But hiding in fears afraid to speak,

afraid to smile afraid to cry,

because you think she'll die inside.

These tears were the greatest strength I'd ever known,

The greatest stamina she'd ever shown,

We'd released the pain that hurt so bad,

Break-downs,

Move-ons,

The courage that my mother had. 

tell me that was ALL a nightmare...

Lie to me. Please tell me facts aren't the hardest thing to face. I wish at the very beginning someone told babies and toddlers that life is hard, and love is hell sometimes, and it may not or may not be worth it. Sometimes I wish the tough times and trials were all the nightmares that they seem to be years and months later.
Sometimes instead of the advice that taste so sweet someone could tell me this:

1. life goes on until it doesn't, so decide whether this is worth spending the next few days crying over.
2. if someone is worth crying over, why are you crying?
3. the world will keep moving without you sweetie, and tomorrow people will wake up and be happy, regardless of whether or not you want to be.
4. there's no love and hate opposites, only love and apathy opposites, you either love and care or don't give a damn.
5. there will be tough times, bliss times, mistakes, REGRETS--no matter how much you pretend there's none, and trials that will shake you to your core. Only you decide how many tears you will shed, and too many would be a mistake.
 

 

lights, camera, action, POWER.

                   So virtually the whole community's power is out. Except for mine. : ) So I thought I would make this entry about power. I believe power comes in forms greater than lightning bolts, high positions, and muscles. Sometimes I think there's power in just the ability to move people. Maybe I gained a little more power in just posting this. I think sometimes power comes in the smallest of movements and the biggest of words. But most of all, sometimes I think power comes in just having the will to choose your own destiny, deciding to choose the right one, and not letting anything come between you and your dreams. I hope for everyone reading this to find that power, even myself. One love.

walk, run JUMP!

                "The most decisive actions of our life ... are most often unconsidered actions." Sometimes the greatest moments of our lives are pure unadulterated leaps of faith made in the weirdest of hours on the most peculiar of days. Sometimes excitement can come in sitting in silence watching how the world reacts towards one another, or in taking pictures in movement and guessing what it looks like besides the actual object. Sometimes leaps of faith are the most important movements we'll ever make, and more often than not the fear of the leap is worth the fall.

               Today I realized something that saddened me a little, but I was glad I found that reality check. I realized that the life I'm living is not for me at all. I don't need most of the people in my life anymore besides my very best friend Aria. I don't even like most of the people in my life anymore. But the real reality check came when I realized it was so unfair to them, to myself, to be living this happy lie. It's bad enough some of my closest friends think it's so okay to be the way we are, but I started to accept that settling for happiness was okay. I decided falling in love with someone is sometimes a decision to love, instead of the magical mountain-moving force Disney made it out to be. What?! Friendships shouldn't ever be drawbacks. Relationships should never be vexations that are there just to have. Happiness shouldn't have to be settled on.
          So maybe the biggest leaps we make in this lifetime are the smallest steps. Maybe today was the most peculiar of days, the day I went to the mall with two of my closest friends, that I randomly decided this is not for me anymore. Maybe happiness is sometimes making decisions to be who you want and choose who you want to accompany you in life. Maybe my leap of faith starts today. Maybe my big leap is my baby steps to walking away from the person I no longer want to be, the people I no longer want as companions. Maybe it's my turn, hell, maybe it's your turn, to j u m p.
              
         

Simply S T U C K.

             We are given so many chances in this lifetime to get things right. Yet we constantly decide to make lefts, and not see that the options we are given are sometimes what is needed, though not what is wanted. I can't begin to fathom the number of times I have felt simply stuck, like how you feel when both shoelaces are tied together, or when dreams are much better than reality. Stuck when it came to life, my friendships were growing to be inconveniences that I didn't want nor need. Stuck when it came to love, the person I had chosen to be mine, the one I believe I wanted, was slowly slipping from my grasp, and when it came to trying to hold on, I was slipping in between "a rock and a hard place."

             I don't know what you'll take from this. But what I took from the many lessons I have learned, those old southern grandmothers in the movies were right. "Don't let these Lil' boys fool you," they would say "if he left her for you, then he's gonna leave you for the next her." Love is supposed to be blissful hell, that's the best way I know how to put it. It's supposed to keep you up and imagining moments that may never come. Fighting for something to believe in, but I've learned more than anything, things worth believing in sometimes don't have to be fought for. Falling in "love" is awful simple. Falling out is simply awful.

            I don't know how to tell you to become unstuck, but I think yesterday I gave my friend April the best advice:  "Now we're just stuck...and that's okay...that is human, but you can't fret about stuff that won't even matter in two months...in August you will have forgotten about January 21, and you will be fretting about something completely different." Sometimes when life sticks you to a wall, or when love sticks you to some rocky road ice cream and Breakfast At Tiffany's on a Saturday night, you have to grit your teeth, take some reallll deep breaths, punch your fist and go about business. Because in the end you will find that forever love, those true friends, that dream job, that feeling of complete bliss...and you will seldom remember the feeling of being s i m p l y stuck.

Shooting For The Stars Thus Landing On Mars

       excuse me new friend, true friend i remember riding through open Arizona desert on never ending highways of boredom, not knowing in the future saying "are we there yet?" was immensely saddening because often i wish we never got there. at times i wish we were still on that route 66 with 1,000 bottles of beer left on the wall. memories like this make life bliss, sunshines sweet kiss. just the road, our nectarous dreams, once upon a clocks, tick tocks, volkswagon and fruit roll ups, no intentions but driving till our eyelids grew heavy and we halted to fall alseep in the car, sometimes i wonder why people shoot for the stars. maybe because my gun was aimed for heaven and Mars.